i do not know what i am doing

i do not know what i am doing. in a few weeks, I will have been uneployed from my full time job for a year.  I don't know how to feel about this.  in the last few months of my time there I hated it.  I hated everything about that place.  I went to work, did what I (thought) I was supposed to do. Got yelled at for doing it wrong. Withdrew more into my shell there.  Learned the true meaning of what it feels like to "have the walls feel like they're closing in on you."  over the months I had also been slowly taking the things that belonged to me home.  which, by the way, was not much.  But that monday, the day I got called into the office after seeing oh, about fifteen other people go by, and by people I mean the guys.  and by the guys, I mean the welders and the painters and the mechanic and the installers.  People who do not come up to the office.  and I was the naive one.  I just watched them and wondered what was going on.  wondering if this was some kind of company thing.  then I was buzzed in.  and found out what had happened.  and what was happening to me.  on one hand, I was a little scared.  this was my first job after graduation that was in my field of study.  on another hand, I was not so scared.  this had just happened a little over a year ago.  and on another hand, (yes I have three hands) I was relieved. elated. ecstatic.  It took all of my will to calmly go back and sit at my desk and tell Berneice "thank you for everything you have taught/done for me but I'm not coming back tomorrow."  when instead I wanted to grab the keys to my jeep and jump and shout and sing and laugh at everyone else who had to go back to the horrid place tomorrow.  I didn't even tell anyone else "bye."  I didn't feel any connection to that place and was glad to be rid of it.

but flash forward to today.  I am still currently unemployed.  and while I am loving it, and learning a lot from it.  i still have no clue what i am doing.  what am i doing with my life? i have been on a few job interviews but (obviously) have not gotten a job.  it is so discouraging, let me tell you. but i must keep on moving forward.  i do little things here and there every once in a while.  i get to go and pretend i work at this great coffee house. Second Street Bean.  just in case anybody wants to go there.  and while i am trying to find a job, i will find what makes me happy.  because i believe that you can have a job that makes you happy at the same time and i will find it.  right now I consider my job to kevin's wife and take care of him and our house and our animals.  after all, i was created to be his helper.  (please go read Created to be his helpmeet it is such a great book and so inspiring!)

i wonder how many other people feel like this right now.

also, i came up with the title to this post as i realized i do not know what i am doing on typepad.  i can't get any pictures to load!